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Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
He just like my cat fr
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
How did we not see this back then?
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
u guys got any snacks onboard here
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?