Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
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girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.