*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
You Might Also Like
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.