These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
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My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Baking is just science you can eat.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting