Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
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My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.