The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
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This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”