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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
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I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.