Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
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Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Breaking news:
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did