Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
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My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.