fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
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and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic