a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
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Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*