I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
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My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”