the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
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You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.