If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
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Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.