instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
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My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
welcome back
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?