Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
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*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down