I’ve named my couch American Idle.
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Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.