*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
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Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
These are my roll models.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags