“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
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a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Never forget.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time