Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
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Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
remember
only for emergencies
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows