me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
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What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
why isn’t he texting back
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.