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I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
this… may be the greatest story ever told
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces