Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
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“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭