So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
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Ooooooh.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work