My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
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Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
the best thing i’ve ever made
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Kermit goes Blue.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms