[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
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Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning