I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
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Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays