Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
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Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.