Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
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HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV