The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
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12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.