The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
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Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I can’t be the only one 😂
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did