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*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I am having an out of money experience.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
He’s dead
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
🤣😂🤣
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.