perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
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Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment