I identify as an antique shop.
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Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
💁🏻♂️
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.