I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
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there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Only a mother’s love …
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Sounds like a bargain
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.