ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
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If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I love you…
…r dog.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.