*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
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When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Investing in beetcoin
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
is there nothing we can trust anymore