I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
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The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Good news
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Best spoiler warning ever
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar