Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
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I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.