Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
very niche meme I made
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?