“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
If only.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
every college guy’s fridge
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
it must be school picture day
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?