every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
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If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Alexa, make out with the Roomba