#ParentingFacts
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You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.