Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
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Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.