Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
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I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
BaD BoY!!
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.