just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
You Might Also Like
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.