[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
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Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Ok, but like, how married are you?
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.