Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
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The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Social distancing in Australia:
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.