ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
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Welcome to the stomach
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.