crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
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*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
omg leave her alone
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.